I recall writing those very words 3 years ago, as a young man both confused and eager about the future, uncertain of the direction life will take him, and inherently smug as most young men are.

I guess I haven’t changed that much since then, except varsity.

I like to think I am more aware of where I am in this world.

Growing up as a boy, I had a firm belief that I was quite abundant- in terms of financial stability, in terms of my family’s position in society overall. I guess growing old has changed my perspectives on life a little.

Beneath the facades I stood behind as a child, lay reality. Within that reality, little did I know that I was nothing.

The tiny speck of intelligence I thought I possessed, was in fact non-existant. The world was cruel.

I both loathe and love the way my brain thinks. Having gone through two and a half years of being constantly lied to and played with and loved and cared about by a certain woman, I guess its only natural my defence mechanism within my brain has tightened up a little. Also, might I add, a desire to succeed.

I guess that desire was always inside me, as it is in most human beings. The desire to compete, to conquer and to overpower, to outsmart and in doing so gain that heart-warming satisfaction and sweet taste in one’s mouth– of victory.

I guess my competitive nature was suppressed by two things in the past few years: In order to be socially acceptable and Utter ignorance.

We’ll carry on tomorrow. Got an early start tomorrow morning.

And yet, it is naive of me to label this life as ‘new’; The only thing that’s changed is its location, surroundings, the people, the atmosphere, the language, and the rules. Oh, and of course the currency, laws, living costs, house, etc etc.

How time forgets. Just how cruelly it forgets. Memories of my life, of a few months ago, are already fading. My memories are filled with patches of grey and light blue- and to remember thinking that I was simply finding an excuse to waste time, writing this blog (because I considered it an over-thought- that is, something over-considered, over-written, over-thought about, over-everything. Yet, it is a fresh reminder of who I was, which is a useful indication of who I am now, but more importantly, how I might turn up as in the future.

And amidst all this, I have work to do. I have 2 fairly important exams tomorrow, and I have another fairly important one the day after. It seems that I still haven’t changed, delaying tasks. It seems I sometimes seem addicted to cramming, and whilst I’m aware that it isn’t a healthy lifestyle, it looks as though its going to take a bit more effort than to write about it on a blog and thinking about it. Perhaps I’ll create a daily timetable from tomorrow, and stick to it- of course, I’ve tried before and my over-planning had brought about disasterous results; and yet, I have this feeling, as I always do, that it will work this time. The single strand of hope in my mind yet remains. Yet.

Reluctance. I chose this word in particular, out of all the words I could’ve chosen, for my blog entry today.
I decided on this word because I felt reluctant to write one, and I felt that I’ve grown reluctant to change. I was going to be a new person in this ‘new’ life; Indeed, I am, in many ways, a ‘new’ person. The me a month ago and now are two very different individuals – on the outside. On in the inside, they are identical. The core values have remained fairly intact; However, the current me has developed a thicker layer of lies. Or is it lies? I have forgotten what I see as ‘true’ for me now. Its perhaps because of the absence of that thick smog within my mind; I’d always thought that it was the smog that always suffocated me from the inside, slowly killing me, was the reason I lost the sense of myself..

And yet, despite that I feel much lighter here than I was before, because of that absence, it seems as though I still don’t know who or what I am. I’m used to a life with a mask, and it has permanently affixed itself to me. Its a part of me and I could be attached to it for the rest of my life.

Well, I have an idea. I think its time to sleep, although I have barely begun studying for the 2 fairly important tests. I think I’ll rely on my cramming instincts (i.e. push it to its limit) by leaving it till the morning.

For you readers out there, who may be checking out my blog on a daily basis (as I used to- not this blog of course.), I am sorry for the terribly long gap. Perhaps it gave you some time to think about the things I’ve written, and how much of it was present and true concerning your lives (your life).

I will be keeping up with the entries on a regular basis, now that I have access to a laptop.

Good Night (or a very early morning).

n.A.

The concept of a blog – or a vehicle by which to write my thoughts to the net public- is quite useful and appealing.

Not only does it allow me to become more open, in an increasingly open world, but through knowing that someone else might be reading my blog, I get into the habit of committing myself to write daily. Of course, I haven’t lived upto what I’ve said. I haven’t written my blog daily.

However, it is, surely, a refreshing sign in itself for a young person to be willing to keep a daily account on the net.

This gets me thinking a bit. What does a blog really mean to me, and why did I decide to write one? The answer is simple.
As Time forgets, I wanted to keep a memory of me to live on, to remind me of who I was and how I used to think. The person I have turned out to be, I believe, is largely due to my habit of self reflection. Running the day in my head like an old movie, and analyzing it. It sounds scary, but its not to the minutest detail, but just in general. Such things like what people said during the day, and what I said, and how I reacted, and what that meant to be, and how I thought I could better the chances of me making a better impression both to myself and the other person, and so on.

The mind is so fickle at times.
The human mind never ceases to amaze me with its utter fickleness. The merest fraction of a time changes us entirely, and our thoughts react to the slightest change of frequency, which could perhaps be interpreted in real-life terms as emotion or external factors. I was shocked at how stressed I was buying a certain product, which would have been much simple had I not spent hours researching it on the internet, not knowing for sure whether it was scientifically correct, or made sense.

A lot of the time, I convince myself knowing the smallest detail, and controlling as much as I could of any situation put me in an advantageous position. Yes, perhaps I am a control freak, and perhaps it is not an ideal way of living your life. Perhaps, sometimes, we have to let life go by as it does. However, I want to be a success in life. That is an utter fact in any other human mind in the world.

As of yet, I am unsure as to which path I should take and where I am going to end up in a years time, or even a months time at that.

And as I conclude this short entry, I am again shocked at how much mumbling I’ve done, and the chaotic way in which I’ve done that. But my eyes are too tired for corrections, and without further ado, I end.

May all of you anonymous readers, inquisitive teenagers and adults who print this, researchers of the natures of blogospheres and the internet, and many other groups of people who happen to come across this entry of ‘Time Forgets’,  have a most relaxing Easter break (Western World), or simply a relaxing weekend (All other parts of the World)

n.A.

22/03/2008

This thought was invoked by an online podcast of Dr. Robert H. Schuller’s Sermon, discussing the close relationship between confidence and creativity.

Confidence.. It is something which, throughout my entire life, I was said to be lacking. Through intermediate school through the high school years, confidence was something I never quite came to grips with.

Confidence is a product of satisfaction, of having reached a pre-scheduled destination succssfully. Indeed, should ones expectations of oneself be set very high, then it inevitable results in failure in life.

Let me reinforce this point. Human beings, at the very core, are weak beings. We are prone to emotional and physical damage, and such damage affects our lifes so immensely that it often results in us resorting to inflicting damage to others, or of their possessions, or to the ones we love and even ourselves. As such, should our expectations of what we will achieve be set in such a way that we can never quite reach that point of satisfaction, we never are; And being unconfident means that we are discouraged from attempting further challenges and tasks in life.

It is much like the way in which Brigham Young led 7000 of his fellow mormons to Utah, travelling thousands of kilometres on foot. Rather than setting an absurd goal of reaching the destination without a systematic approach, he set a realistic, intricate plan that enabled the successful immigration of his population- by means of what has been called as ‘the leap from approach.’- Travelling in small groups, with the previous group erecting various ‘posts’ during the journey, and filling them up with supplies of food , clothes, and water for the next.

 Perhaps we should take a look at life this way.

A Confident soul is seldom short of enthusiasm and optimism, which invokes creativity within us.