A month has already passed by since I have begun a new life.

And yet, it is naive of me to label this life as ‘new’; The only thing that’s changed is its location, surroundings, the people, the atmosphere, the language, and the rules. Oh, and of course the currency, laws, living costs, house, etc etc.

How time forgets. Just how cruelly it forgets. Memories of my life, of a few months ago, are already fading. My memories are filled with patches of grey and light blue- and to remember thinking that I was simply finding an excuse to waste time, writing this blog (because I considered it an over-thought- that is, something over-considered, over-written, over-thought about, over-everything. Yet, it is a fresh reminder of who I was, which is a useful indication of who I am now, but more importantly, how I might turn up as in the future.

And amidst all this, I have work to do. I have 2 fairly important exams tomorrow, and I have another fairly important one the day after. It seems that I still haven’t changed, delaying tasks. It seems I sometimes seem addicted to cramming, and whilst I’m aware that it isn’t a healthy lifestyle, it looks as though its going to take a bit more effort than to write about it on a blog and thinking about it. Perhaps I’ll create a daily timetable from tomorrow, and stick to it- of course, I’ve tried before and my over-planning had brought about disasterous results; and yet, I have this feeling, as I always do, that it will work this time. The single strand of hope in my mind yet remains. Yet.

Reluctance. I chose this word in particular, out of all the words I could’ve chosen, for my blog entry today.
I decided on this word because I felt reluctant to write one, and I felt that I’ve grown reluctant to change. I was going to be a new person in this ‘new’ life; Indeed, I am, in many ways, a ‘new’ person. The me a month ago and now are two very different individuals – on the outside. On in the inside, they are identical. The core values have remained fairly intact; However, the current me has developed a thicker layer of lies. Or is it lies? I have forgotten what I see as ‘true’ for me now. Its perhaps because of the absence of that thick smog within my mind; I’d always thought that it was the smog that always suffocated me from the inside, slowly killing me, was the reason I lost the sense of myself..

And yet, despite that I feel much lighter here than I was before, because of that absence, it seems as though I still don’t know who or what I am. I’m used to a life with a mask, and it has permanently affixed itself to me. Its a part of me and I could be attached to it for the rest of my life.

Well, I have an idea. I think its time to sleep, although I have barely begun studying for the 2 fairly important tests. I think I’ll rely on my cramming instincts (i.e. push it to its limit) by leaving it till the morning.

For you readers out there, who may be checking out my blog on a daily basis (as I used to- not this blog of course.), I am sorry for the terribly long gap. Perhaps it gave you some time to think about the things I’ve written, and how much of it was present and true concerning your lives (your life).

I will be keeping up with the entries on a regular basis, now that I have access to a laptop.

Good Night (or a very early morning).

n.A.